But I still love him

People always ask why women stay in relationships with batterers.  There are plenty of responses to this question which at a later point in time I'm going to get into.  In the beginning after she's left her batterer a woman might still feel she loves him.  Women often feel that they can do something to change their batterers....heck people often think that they can fix other people all the time...thus it's no different in these relationships.  I've heard the stories and statistics about how often batterers really change their ways.  Needless to say it's not very comforting.


I knew a man once who helped in a way to change my negative perspective.  He was a man that did bad things to his step daughter under the guise of "not really being her father."  Her mother never knew or was in denial...either way things continued for many years.  That little girl grew up to be a very loving and forgiving woman but still has issues related to what happened to her as a girl.  The man changed, but it took many years to happen.  Only on his deathbed did he acknowledge what he'd done and ask for forgiveness. In his later years, he was a completely different person.  It could probably been attributed to religion, retirement or any number of things...but he was indeed a different person.  Everyone that knew him throughout his life looked up to him as a hero and a symbol of a true man.  Little did they know what was truly inside him.  Everyone has their good qualities, but some have bad qualities that people don't want to know about.  In the end...the woman still considered him her father and chose to remember him as we was later in life.  She still loved him as a father but didn't like his actions.


I know this fits more along the lines of child abuse or sexual assault, but it helps me convey the fact that battered women have lived a certain way and had certain ideas pounded in their heads for many years...even whole lifetimes in some instances.  It's hard to change no matter what side of the picture you're on.  A battered woman has to relearn how things should be.  


All this being said, it is very hard for a person to change.  It can happen, but it takes time, work and dedication.  When you can't completely understand their world, judging a person for feeling a natural feeling not only hurts them but you as well.