But I still love him

People always ask why women stay in relationships with batterers.  There are plenty of responses to this question which at a later point in time I'm going to get into.  In the beginning after she's left her batterer a woman might still feel she loves him.  Women often feel that they can do something to change their batterers....heck people often think that they can fix other people all the time...thus it's no different in these relationships.  I've heard the stories and statistics about how often batterers really change their ways.  Needless to say it's not very comforting.


I knew a man once who helped in a way to change my negative perspective.  He was a man that did bad things to his step daughter under the guise of "not really being her father."  Her mother never knew or was in denial...either way things continued for many years.  That little girl grew up to be a very loving and forgiving woman but still has issues related to what happened to her as a girl.  The man changed, but it took many years to happen.  Only on his deathbed did he acknowledge what he'd done and ask for forgiveness. In his later years, he was a completely different person.  It could probably been attributed to religion, retirement or any number of things...but he was indeed a different person.  Everyone that knew him throughout his life looked up to him as a hero and a symbol of a true man.  Little did they know what was truly inside him.  Everyone has their good qualities, but some have bad qualities that people don't want to know about.  In the end...the woman still considered him her father and chose to remember him as we was later in life.  She still loved him as a father but didn't like his actions.


I know this fits more along the lines of child abuse or sexual assault, but it helps me convey the fact that battered women have lived a certain way and had certain ideas pounded in their heads for many years...even whole lifetimes in some instances.  It's hard to change no matter what side of the picture you're on.  A battered woman has to relearn how things should be.  


All this being said, it is very hard for a person to change.  It can happen, but it takes time, work and dedication.  When you can't completely understand their world, judging a person for feeling a natural feeling not only hurts them but you as well.

Animal abuse connects with Domestic violence

Things have been a bit hectic lately and thus...no post yesterday. I apologize and shall continue to push myself to accomplish a post a day.  Though it might not always happen. :)


I've heard stories from various women who have been victims of domestic violence both inside and outside the shelter I work at.  One such woman told me about how her ex husband had beaten and strangled every dog they would get in their home.  Unfortunately this isn't an uncommon thing.  I am very weary of people who talk about abusing animals at any point in their life.  I have heard stories about  young men swinging cats around on ropes attached to their necks just for the enjoyment of it.  Animal abuse at any age can eventually lead to abuse to people later on in life.  It is a factor that has been noticed in psychopaths at young ages.


Here are thoughts I found about the connection between animal abuse and domestic violence on the ASPCA website:

Why do Abusers Batter Animals?

• To demonstrate power and control over the family
• To isolate the victim and children
• To enforce submission
• To perpetuate an environment of fear
• To prevent the victim from leaving or coerce her to return
• To punish for leaving or showing independence

Believe me, I have had clients who would not leave their abusive relationship for fear of what would happen to their beloved pets.  These statements ring so very true....

The only thing I can say in conclusion is to start young in teaching your children respect for all living things.  Playing with animals in a way that causes injury or killing animals for no reason other than enjoyment are not good qualities in anyone.  If you see animal abuse happening, then say something.  Chances are the animal is not the only thing being abused.

• 
  

2nd day almost missed

So I was so busy I almost missed today's post.  Therefore it will be short.


Face Down by Red Jumpsuit Aparatus came out in 2006.  The first time I heard this song I didn't actually listen. When I did listen to the lyrics I was surprised at what I heard.  I often find myself liking songs that contain complete honesty.  


My favorite lyrics in this song are "A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect.  Every action in this world will bear a consequence "


I so often think of the phrase "violence begets violence" when I meet some of the children who have gone through life learning from parents who may not be completely wrong but definitely do not have it right.  That's what I get from those lyrics.


Here's a link to the video of this song.  Notice that throughout the video the main character doesn't seem affected by the growing violence around her.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WmfasWzdyHs

Domestic Violence Awareness month

Today is the first day of October...I love this month for so many reasons...it usually signals the beginning of fall (a season I really love), it leads up to a holiday in which I get to dress up (even though the beginnings of that holiday don't particularly coincide with my religion), and it's Domestic Violence Awareness month, which for the past few years because I've worked closely with victims of this issue has become important to me.  I work for a shelter that offers victims of domestic violence and sexual assault a place to feel safe and at home.  Though, at times there are women who feel it's not the right place for them, it has in my eyes accomplished this goal admirably.  I was a little saddened that we are still unable this year to do something to make a statement that this month is a month to get the word out and we are unable to do anything about that.  I and the people that work with me are busy working to keep the doors open and serve the victims that come through our doors and haven't been able to find the extra time to do something to get the word out.  This is an unfortunate reality for a lot of non-profit businesses and I understand  that.  So in an effort to do just a little something I'm going to try to post something about domestic violence every day this month.  

I've always felt that music speaks to people in so many different ways.  There are so many songs that speak about domestic violence in some way or another.  I'm posting a link to a video on only one such song that has spoken to me about DV.  There are many more and I will probably post something about them in the days to come.  I might post stories or anything in general...I'm not sure yet.  We'll see what happens. 

This is a fan video so it's not the original video of this song but I felt that it fit better in telling the story of the song.  This fan edited together clips of Grey's Anatomy and the movie Enough.  I've never actually watched Grey's Anatomy but I do love the movie Enough.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdwJTsH2q3o